Make It All Go Away-Ferard
by MexicanRainbowUnicornBurrito
Summary: I'm sorry Sissy for making you cry. I'm such a bad brother. I should go and die, but that would make you and Frankie sad. I'm supposed to be happy. I'm sorry. What is happy? I don't remember anymore...
1. Chapter 1

When I was six a man came to our school and killed all the kids in my class except me. My big twin brother was in the same class as me and he died sitting next to me. I saw everything. I saw my teacher die.

When I was nine I wrote a letter to Santa. I told Santa that I didn't want to wake up tomorrow. I told him life was too hard. My mom took me to the hospital. They told me I was sick. That I had a boo-boo in my head and I needed it fixed. They tried to fix it.

When I was eleven I got jumped walking home from school and was nearly beaten to death. They jumped me because I was a punk.

When I was twelve my baby-sitter tried to strangle me to death. She said I was too needy. She said I was spoiled. She said I was annoying. A nuisance. Selfish. I had a migraine and asked for my pain medication. She was fifteen.

When I was fourteen my mom was hit by a drunk driver. She died in the driver's seat next to me.

When I was fifteen I got pushed into walls and called names for being gay. I was beaten up every day during the last week of school for being a cock-sucking emo faggot. I had to switch schools. Twice.

I wonder what's going to happen this year. We had to move again. So I could be close to the hospital. My depression and anxiety keep getting worse,and worse,and worse.  
Everything keeps getting worse and worse.

But I have to be happy. I have to be happy now. For my dad, my big sister, and my little sister. I have to be strong, and happy. Happy I have to be happy.

I have to be happy.

Frankie…he wants me to be happy.

He told me. But how? I don't know how. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. Maybe I should tell Sissy so I can go to the hospital and get some sleep.

I'm worried. I don't want to get hit or shoved or yelled at. I don't want Dad to be disappointed every time he sees me. I don't want to be a disappointment.

I'm sixteen and I've never been to a party. Maybe at this new school with Frankie I'll be able to be 'normal'. Normal. I want to be 'normal' like Frankie.

Frankie. He's my best friend, my only friend.

He's so nice. He didn't even get mad when I told him I was gay. Gay.

Dad...he didn't take it to well. No. Not well at all. It hurt. It hurt.

I need a knife.

Cut. I need to cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut.

It hurts.

I need to go to the hospital. My arm is bleeding. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have done that. Sissy is going to be mad. I'm supposed to be happy. Happy.

What does that feel like? To be Happy. I need to be happy.

Frankie. He makes me happy.

I think Sissy is coming...

Yeah, Sissy's here. She takes the knife. I feel her grabbing my arm. I hear her crying. She's not supposed to be sad. I made her sad. I'm not supposed to make Sissy sad. Sissy's just like me. She has a boo-boo in her head,too.

I'm gonna hit myself. I need to. I need to punish myself for making Sissy sad. I'm not supposed to make her sad.

I'm a bad brother.

Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad!

She's telling me to stop hitting myself now. She looks sad. I need to make her happy. Smile. Smile. Say I'll be okay.

"I'll be okay. Don't worry. I'm okay. I'm fine. Just a little blood. I don't need to go to the hospital. Don't be sad. Don't cry." She grabs my hand and takes me to the bathroom. She rinses off the cuts. It stings.

"Don't cry."

My face is wet. Why am I crying? Why am I crying?

Oh. I remember now. I'm a faggot. I'm a cock-sucker. I'm a freak. I'm a loser. I'm stupid. I'm an emo pussy. I'm pathetic. I'm gonna die alone. Alone. I don't wanna be alone.

I'm so tired. I need to tell Sissy that. She's wrapping my arms with bandages. I need to tell her I'm tired.

"Sissy?"

"Yeah, Gee?", she whispers.

"I'm tired"

"I know Gee. I know"

"I don't wanna be tired anymore. I wanna be happy."

Why is she crying?

"Sissy, did I make you sad? I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm such a selfish brother."I say as we walk back to my room.

"No,Gee you're not selfish." I open the door and step inside, making my way to my bed and getting under the covers.

"I'm gonna go sleep now" the door is open by a crack.

"Okay"

"Sissy?" I poke my head out of the covers.

"Hm?"

"I love you"

She smiles. I made her smile. I made her happy.

"I love you, too Gee. Always." She closes the door and I'm alone, again. Why am I always alone? Maybe they're right. Maybe I should go drink bleach. Or hang myself. Or overdose.

I just need to die. Die. Dying. Dead. What three awful words they are.

Just like Pathetic, Freak, and Loser. Maybe I would be better off dead. It would be so much easier if I just ended it.

No. Stop it. Stop it. No.

What about Frankie? Or Sissy? Or Leah? Or Dad? No, I need to sleep.

I need to sleep. Just sleep.

Sleep. Why is it so hard? Why is it so hard to be happy?

I'm so tired.


	2. Chapter 2

Gerard and I have been best friends since we were seven years old.

I remember the first time Gerard had a mental breakdown. We were sitting in class drawing when we heard a loud clap of thunder. Gerard was staring down at a blank sheet of paper muttering something to himself, when I caught the word "sissy". He was still for a short time. When , all of a sudden, he grabbed a black crayon and wrote "sissy" back and forth across the page. There were tears threatening to spill out of his eyes. He wiped them out before they could even roll down his cheeks, he whispered "I am not a sissy" ever so quietly before he grabbed a red crayon and zig-zagged it across the paper.

His dad use to call him a "sissy" because he was afraid of thunder. He was 10.

Back then, it wasn't much different than it is now. His father still looked disappointedly at him every time he came home with a bloody lip or tears in his eyes. Gerard being alive wasn't enough.

No, it wasn't enough. The scars on his wrists were a testament to that.

Everyday when he went home, he was subject to the same torture that he was at school, the same name calling, the same abuse day after day.

And it was all because he wished Mikey lived instead of him.

Gerard had always been the odd ball. Mikey…was normal.

Gerard knew what his father thought of him.

He knew because his father told him. Well he didn't _tell him_ persay, more like he screamed it at the top of his lungs in his face.

So when Gerard was twelve he tried to kill himself by drinking bleach and slitting his wrists.

I saw him in the hospital. It scared me to see all those tubes sticking out from him. But most of all it hurt. It hurt that he didn't talk to me, that he didn't confide in me.

After that I made him talk to me. I didn't want to lose my best friend.

Who wants to lose their best friend?

Last year, though, he came out to me in a fit of tears. He told me he was gay.

We were on the roof staring at the stars, the power had gone out so we could see them perfectly. I heard him crying next to me.

"Hey, Gerard what's wrong?"

I turned to him, and enclosed him in my arms.

"N-nothing"

"Then, why are you crying?"

He tried rubbing the tears from his eyes.

"B-because I'm g-gay, and I don't want you to hate me"

I pushed the hair out of his face, and said "I could never hate you"

He smiled and I kissed him on the cheek. We stayed like that for a while until Gerard fell asleep. I felt so bad waking him up, but afterwards when we slept in the same bed it was worth it.

I realized then that I loved my best friend more than I really should. I knew I was bi. He knew I was bi, but I also knew what he had been through. It wouldn't be right for me to take advantage of him like that.

But, that year someone else found out that Gerard was gay. They'd found out from Gerard's ex-boyfriend, his ex-boyfriend who happened to be at the top of the class, The Valedictorian.

The last few months of school were hell for him.

If I wasn't with him at all times he was likely to get beat up or made fun of. He wouldn't fight back; he'd just cower and curl himself up in a whimpering ball. The last time it happened I'd barely made it in time to help. He was crying hysterically and wouldn't let anyone touch him, not even me. After, that he had another mental breakdown and wouldn't go to school. His father wouldn't send him to a hospital like he was supposed to so he stayed home in his room. He never left; not even to eat or go to the bathroom.

So Sissy stayed and took care of him. She'd just graduated from high school.

Every time he sees her home, I see the painful regret. The self hate he feeds off of. He suffers knowing that he held her back from achieving her dreams.

I've seen it in his eyes.

I've seen it on his wrists.

On his arms.

On his chest.

On his stomach.

On his legs.

On his bloody nails.

On his scratched face.

He tries, but he can't ever seem to be able to step out of the shadows.

But for now he is a little better. I know he's nervous. Tomorrow is his first day. He's scared. I'm scared, too. I want him to be better as much as he wants to be.

I have to protect him.

I have to get him through this.

I can't let him slip like Alice down the rabbit hole.

But we're both so tired of life.

I haven't had it easy myself.

I haven't always been strong.

No I haven't, but I have to be.

He is so tired.

He used to tell me so all the time when we were little…

_A small black haired boy was tucked into a corner of his room. His hands were resting on his ears as he tried to black out the shouting coming from the outside of his door. He tried to block out the loud crashes and smacks, the dull thumps and crying. Then the house went silent._

_He waited till he was sure. He waited until the door slammed and the sobbing quieted to crawl from his room._

_He wished he didn't._

_He found his mother lying on the floor in the hallway just outside his room._

_There was blood trickling from her mouth, cuts and bruises all over her body._

_"Mommy" the boy called. His mother moaned in pain._

_"Mommy come on you have to get up so I can help you"_

_She groaned and got to her feet. _

_So the little boy took his mother to the bathroom to help her._

_He left her there while he went to go get her clothes._

_He came back with the happiest, biggest smile he could manage._

_"Mommy" he called once again._

_"It's time for a bath!"_

_Afterwards, she sat on the toilet seat as her very young son cleaned her wounds and bandaged them._

_When he was done and everything had been put away he kissed his mother on the cheek and whispered sweetly, "I love you". He smiled sweetly and closed his eyes._

_He felt the sting of his mother's palm on his face._

_"DON'T YOU LIE TO ME!" she yelled in a fit of rage._

_Her very young son looked into his mother's eyes and smiled sadly, leaving his mother behind._

_He put on his little coat and shoes, and walked out into the rain._

_He walked, and walked until he reached a certain house with worn shutters and an unkempt lawn._

_He snuck to the side of the house and climbed a tree leading up to a certain worn window with green drapes._

_He knocked on this certain window and lifted the frame. _

_The certain window opened and he stepped into a room, where a small figure slept._

_The little boy tool off his shoes and coat and made his way over to the bed, slipping in next to the other figure._

_The figure awoke and whispered, "They fought again huh, Frank?" Frank nodded._

_The figure turned around and pulled him close. Frank looked up to see tear tracks in the other's eyes._

_"You miss him, again, huh Gerard?" Gerard nodded."Frankie?"_

_"Yeah, Gee?"_

_"I don't want to go to sleep" Frankie looked up, hoping to catch Gerard's eye, it was no use. He had slipped down the rabbit's hole again. _

_"Did you have another bad dream?"_

_Gerard nodded._

_"I miss Him Frank… He told me I could join him soon." Gerard's eyes lit up as he spoke the last sentence._

_"No, Gerard, Don't leave me here alone." Frank teared up._

_"But, Frank, I'm so tired" Gerard said sadly._

_"Then sleep, Gee. Just sleep"._


End file.
